more sadness..

October 16, 2008 2:45am

My oldest brother died today. He suffered with congestive heart failure.

a little something about..

Having lost my husband this past March and having experienced first hand much of what the article below touches in regard to grief and the death of a loved one, I feel it is important to share this information with others. I believe that most people want to know, want to try to understand grief and the grieving and how to approach or help someone during their journey into and through grief.  Ema

Understanding Grief

Seven things you need to know about grief

by Georgia Shaffer

“My friend is stuck in grief. What can I do to help?”

Because this is a question I often hear, I’ve learned to ask, “What do you mean, your friend is stuck in grief?”

Usually they say something like, “Well, her husband died about 14 months ago, and she’s still very depressed. Isn’t it about time she moves forward with her life?”

Unfortunately, the problem isn’t that she is stuck in grief. The issue is her friends don’t realize how long it can take to heal and rebuild after a heart-wrenching loss. As a psychologist and someone who has experienced deep sorrow, I’ve seen far too many people hurt by well-meaning friends, family or co-workers who want to help, but honestly don’t understand the pain of loss.

Here are seven truths to remember about grief:

Six to 18 months after loss is the most difficult time.

During this time period, loved ones typically are no longer actively reaching out to the hurting person, but it’s also a stage when the numbness begins to disappear and reality sinks in: Life has forever changed. While you may think that one year after a death or divorce is plenty of time to grieve, the reality is those who hurt may feel worse.

Grief is not a time to produce, achieve or accomplish.

When something or someone we cherish vanishes from our lives, we soon discover that the most routine tasks become extremely difficult. This is because our mental, emotional and physical resources are severely depleted.

Yet too many people are given the misinformation that Brooke received after the death of her younger brother. “Friends told me to keep myself busy,” Brook says. “That time has a way of healing these things.” She tried to keep up with her hectic schedule, but two years later she found herself close to a breakdown.

Although routines can be comforting, busyness does not give someone the time to rebuild his or her depleted resources. Help your loved one carve out the time and space necessary to process, rest and renew.

God gives comfort — not a painkiller.

In comparing our society today to the previous century, Eugene Peterson, author of The Message wrote, “The main difference is not how much people are hurting but how much they expect to be relieved from their hurting.” As soon as we feel any kind of discomfort, we look for some way to get rid of it. And when someone we love is suffering, we work hard to fix the problem or find a painkiller. But as Sallie said after she lost her teenage son, “There’s nothing that can soothe my pain. Only the Lord can give me comfort.”

We cannot compare losses.

Many people are like my friend Heather who played the comparison game every time she confronted a loss. She took whatever pain she was experiencing — be it the death of a dream or the death of a friend — and compared it to someone else’s pain. Because she could always find someone with a loss more tragic than hers, she never allowed herself to grieve.

Help your loved one accept his or her feelings of sadness. Say something like, “There’s nothing wrong with you. Your pain is your pain. It’s OK to feel it.”

Anger, as well as deep sadness, is part of grief.

Anger is a common reaction to loss. After the loss of my health and job, I expected deep sadness. But what really surprised me was the seething rage. “How dare they take away my job because I’m too ill to work!” I fumed. “I didn’t plan on having a bone marrow transplant. Where’s their compassion?”

How can you help someone who’s mad at God — and everyone else — about what has happened to them? Rather than dismiss her anger, acknowledge it with a sincere comment such as, “I’d be angry, too, if that happened to me!” This assures her you realize how difficult this loss is.

We grieve differently.

We’re often surprised to discover that people experience grief in different ways. Jennifer Sands, whose husband died during the terrorist attack on 9/11 said, “Grieving is as individual as a fingerprint.”

Some of us prefer time by ourselves with an occasional visitor. Others want a steady stream of company and lots of phone calls.

In order to help rather than hinder, think about the personality of the person you want to support. It just might make the difference between hurting or healing.

Grief lasts longer than we expect.

In our culture, we rarely talk about how long it takes to heal after a difficult loss. Elizabeth Palazzi, a psychologist in Pennsylvania, says, “Grieving takes longer than anybody ever has the patience for.”

One reason grief lasts so long is that emotional setbacks are part of the process. One afternoon, my friend Janet dashed into the mall for a quick trip to her favorite cosmetic counter. As she passed the counter of men’s fragrances she caught a whiff of her husband’s cologne. She froze for a moment and then left the store sobbing. Her husband died three years earlier, but it only took one smell and a split second to throw her back into the grip of grief.

Sights, sounds and smells trigger emotional setbacks. These are to be expected.

It often takes two to five years before someone is able to rebuild his or her life. If you find yourself getting impatient and you’re tempted to say, “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?” say something comforting like, “I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, but please know I care.” And if you are the person who has suffered a loss, let this be a comfort to you. Give yourself time and grace as you move through this difficult season.

Posted with the written permission of the author. http://georgiashaffer.com/home.html
Georgia Shaffer, author of A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss, is a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania.

life after death..

. . . . . but how could that be?

Rudy + Ema, by Emily February 2008

Today, September 10, complete six months of living on my own, without Rudy Raul. He has been gone for six long months. Six long months.

Although feeling that one will die, one does not die (immediately) after losing the love of her life.  I am living.

Ema liveth. She breathes and her heart beats… she sighs, her heart is broken.

She smiles, there is sadness underneath. She laughs even as her heart knows inexplicable sorrow. Inexplicable pain.

Despite the pain, despite the agony of tragic separation, she lives. A semblance of her old self appears. But she is not the same. She will never be the same.  Death has come to her home.

Life has changed. Death has changed her. Life has changed her. Yet she lives.

Thank you God for your many benefits...

The death and absence of her beloved husband has changed who she is, is changing who you knew. She notes that some changes have come quickly.

She has been widowed. She is no longer a wife. She no longer has her husband. No longer a couple. Her identity has been stolen from her.

An empty chair, an empty bed, an empty car, an empty house. Changes.More changes she realizes, await her.

She is back in her garden. She is once again discovering new lessons and finds healing as she tends to that recently overgrown and neglected length of soil and plants.

She has almost completely restored their garden to the restful and inviting refuge that she has known it to be…

albeit without the love of her life.

Her garden is bringing her memories.  Reminding her of times past.. revives memories of yesterday… of Summers past, of Autumns past. Reminds her of the coming harvest..the picking and canning and freezing.

Of happier days.

Sweet, beautiful, happier times.

from my garden to my kitchen — a memorable event

is my first home cooked meal since February.

Fruit from my Garden

I had just gone out to our vegetable garden… the one I have neglected after all the plants were in. I had found no joy in that garden — just memories of the past years of gardening with the love of my life, Rudy.  The garden, though I loved and wanted my own garden before I married Rudy, this was really the first garden of my own — of our own, that I have had the pleasure of planting and caring for.  That is another story so I will continue… I’d gone out to check on the squash, yellow crookneck and zucchini as I wanted to put something in the basket that I hang over the fence for my neighbor K. There were a couple of crooknecks and a cucumber. There was also tomato and a a handful of tomatillos and a mix of lettuce greens. I gathered these and placed them in her basket.

to be continued tomorrow…

I went back and gathered a few more tomatoes and then I went over to my basil. The basil I planted in a pot this year so as to try to keep it year round by bringing it indoors or on the patio in the winter. Away from the winter snow. The basil is doing beautifully. Basil is so fragrant. I love basil.

missing Rudy Raul . . .and our Anniversary

gosh, I wish Rudy Raul was home — in this home. Our home. I miss his presence.. miss him just being next to me. Miss him at Dinner, at Lunch and at Breakfast. I miss sitting next to him while watching a movie.. miss laying on the bed with my head in his lap as we watch a good movie..

I miss the sound of his footstep on the hardwood floors. I miss holding his hand. we always held hands or I’d hold onto the crook of his arm. I miss sitting with him, next to him in church, anywhere. we always sat close together. He was strong and and I loved leaning on him.

Death is terrible. It has robbed me of this closeness that we shared.

Robs me of his laughter, his silly jokes, his smiles.

Even his gentle chidings I miss. You haven’t done this, you haven’t done that… (smile) I miss those times… sometimes I’d get mad at him for reminding me! but I needed his reminders.. (smile).

I miss helping Rudy into the big jetted tub he loved..  He loved being clean and I loved that about him. Miss the sound of the running water while he shaved.. miss the softness and smoothness of his cheek after he shaved. I miss the clean scent of his cologne. I miss helping him comb his hair. Rudy had beautiful hair. healthy.

Raul and Ema September 24, 1994

I miss his little messes.. funny, I miss the little messes. His little messes have been replaced with my big messes. paper messes. forms and more forms… I would rather have Rudy’s little messes. Rudy was neat, clean and orderly.

I miss watching as he polished his shoes, as he set out his clothes, selected a watch. aaah, I miss him setting my watches, his placing one on my wrist.

what memories.. I miss all that was Rudy here on earth ..

.“~“~“~“~“~“~“~“~“~“~“~“~`

I’ve been thinking about the upcoming Holidays — holidays that will be spent by myself, without Rudy… Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years…my Birthday

I am dreading these days. Rudy will not be here– no matter where I may be on those days. Right now I would be happy just sleeping through those months. I think I’ll go hide in a closet with the lights out.

Raul and Ema November 1995

Funny though… our Wedding Anniversary is coming up — September 24 — and this day I want to Celebrate and am thinking thinking as to how to celebrate it. Alone? with people who loved Rudy? home? out? It would have been 14 years of marriage..

Funny how some marriages last 75 years.. and ours didn’t make it to 15. What a shattered dream.

my garden, neglected, overgrown…

extremely sad looking garden. Not a garden to be proud of. Not a garden that shows tender loving care by it’s creator. Noooooo. I should take a photo and let you see my sad garden.

Raul and Buster, our then 3 month old Puginese, April 2001

Today I took my body into our vegetable garden and began to cut back the larkspur that had all but taken over about one quarter of the area. The larkspur, pink, white lavender and purple was mostly now gone to seed and needed to be pulled. Some of the spikes were taller than I. When I pulled up on them the seed shook out all over, landing in my hair… a little water and I won’t need to wear a hat, ha.

While I worked out there in the garden, a garden which at one time brought me joy, I looked around at it, sad that it was not beautiful and filled with fruit. I decided this morning that I was going to work at getting the garden to thrive. Give it some love, some attention. Coax it into bearing more fruit for me.

I pulled clumps of grass, of weeds, lots of spurge, even tomato and tomatilla plants that had come up from last years seed. All this made a large heap of unwanted greenery and would be gathered together and tossed into the trash can on Monday.

I have to cut this short. I am getting drowsy.

completely sleepless in Nampa..

solitary pink bloom -- larkspur

as the little pill did not help at all last night.

I lay awake, tossing and turning till the wee hours of the morning. .the wheels of my mind spinning every which way. I must have cried myself to sleep–it must have tired me. It must have been close to 5A.M by the time I finally fell asleep.

I awoke at 9 to find my little Puginese staring up at me — he wanted to go outside..so, up I go racing with him to the back door. His incessant barking at the neighbors new cat, however, caused me to go back out and carry him back into the house. I went back to my bed and I plopped my head back onto the pillow and slept for another 2 hours.

Where has the day gone? It is already 7 o’clock. My boss, who is my brother in-law, just called to let me know that I have tomorrow off. He thinks I’m not getting enough sleep. ha. I’m not. But I don’t think that they were getting alot of sleep either. I know that R and my sister in-law JML, have a deep love for Rudy Raul. I know that the loss of their brother has been a great loss for them, too.

One of Rudy’s out of state friends called this aftenoon. He calls every once in a while to check up on me. He wants to make sure that I am not allowing myself to drown in grief. Where I am grieving I know better than to allow myself to become so immersed in my grief that I cause myself to become ill. As it is, the body is

base of Rudy's Lilac

reacting to the loss. My body itself is grieving. Talking about Rudy to C, I told him that Rudy always knew what to do when a situation came up. Rudy was never at a loss. If he didn’t know how or what to do he’d not put it off but he’d immediately call the one who did know. He was never one to put off until tomorrow what he could do right then… Rudy was not a procrastinator and he taught me well on this.

Soon it will be time to pay my family a visit. They are 950 miles south of here. I’ll be driving and where I do miss my family and want to see them, I am not looking forward to driving by myself nor being there by myself. I dread the thought.

it worked and I went

my peonies

yes! the sleeping helper worked I took just one half of one and it worked.

I am so, so jazzed. ha

When it was time to think about sleeping I took the half pill with some water and a small piece of bbq chicken (yum). I began my bedtime abolutions by first washing my face and then readied myself for the pillows. Thinking that I would read a little bit before I closed my eyes, I went back to the dining room and picked up ‘embracing life again’, a new book I’d ordered online via Griefshare’sHelp Center but hadn’t yet begun to read. My eyes were so heavy that I placed the book on the nightstand next to me there and closed my eyes.. and fell asleep. I woke once at 5am. I got up but then came back to bed and yes, I fell right back to sleep! and awoke again before 8 this morning. I haven’t slept like that for a long time.. I know I went to bed around midnight — or thereabouts. That means I got at least 7 hours of good sleep.

I watched a little bit of news this morning — very little actually, then readied myself to go over to theNampa Farmer’s Market which is pretty close to my house here. After stopping by to talk to Rudy’s friend the Romanian — I bought a couple of dollars worth of the nice apricots he had on his table there. He asked for Rudy so I had to tell him. At first he asked me if was he not well — I told him about his death and he was sad. I moved on. I did the usual first eating stop for my Bratwurst and Pepsi — no chips this time. The Vendor told me that he found and read my blog..isn’t that something.. I went to sit at our bench and watched the people go by and ate my brat. It was really, really good. I got up and made my way though the different vendor cubicles: beaded ankle bracelets, bookmarkers, windchimes, home made breads and jellies, fresh fruit and vegetables, crocheted doilies and dishclothes, home made aprons, flowers, plants, trees — all kinds of food to eat and beverages to drink… ah, and I stopped by for my Frybread with honeybutter… so sticky and tasty. I also bought a cupcake. I never buy cupcakes but hers looked sooo soo good, I bought a white chocolate apricot cupcake and brought it home. It is on the table looking at me.. beckoning….it is sooooo good! I have never ever had a cupcake like this one… I will have the rest of it with coffee later on or tomorrow morning.

After placing my order for the Frybread I was making my way to my car to put the apricots in the trunk — the bag was heavy and weighed down on my arm — when a strap on my sandals broke! I took the other sandal off and walked to the car. Luckily I had a pair of thongs in the trunk and replaced the footgear. They did not feel good. I went for my Frybread and walked around a little more but my feet did not like the exchange. I went back to the car and drove back home. The thongs are in the trash bin! Well, I hope the sandal that broke can be repaired as I really like this pair.

I had a better time at the Market this time. At least I did until my sandal broke.

This is going to be a long day as I have nothing else planned for it. Maybe I’ll read. Maybe I’ll weed. Too warm to weed and I am not motivated to do that anyhow. I should straighten out the living and dining room — but, I’m not motivated to do that either.. I’ll make me a cup of coffee and then decide.

lavender and purple larkspur…

Raul's Headstone and a spot waiting for mine!

are the flowers that I took to the Cemetary today.

It seems I’ve been paying visits to Rudy’s graveside with a bit more frequency lately. Today I took some more flowers — the lavender and purple larkspur, which I love. I love the way they blow in the wind — they are so delicate, so fragile looking. The petals seem to shiver when a breeze catches them.

I pulled the flower vase up out of it’s built in compartment, turned it over and placed the flowers in the vase. Then I sat there on the piece of granite that held the marker –underneath his marker — I sat right there with my legs crossed while, between tears, I spoke words to the love of my life and to God. I think I must have been there for about an hour because when I left the house it was a little past 5 o’clock pm and I got home after 7 o’clock. I stopped at Vic’s Pharmacy on my way to the Cemetary. I had to pick up some contact lens solution and sleeping pills.. I also took Vic a copy of Rudy’s Funeral/Memorial Program as I couldn’t remember whether I had stopped by to tell him about Rudy’s death or not. I think I’d stopped in while Rudy was in the hospital but I don’t remember after that. He was always good to Rudy and I — he and Rudy used to tease and talk to each other about goin’ fishing. Vic remembered that today It was warm sitting there on that piece of granite –but it was comfortable and I didn’t have to sit on the sometimes spikey grass. After I completed my conversations, I got up, drove off and came home.

I didn’t work today and I have the next two days (weekend) off as well.

I’d taken advantage of the Friday off and had scheduled myself for an early afternoon appointment at the Health and Wellness Center — this was my very first 1hour therapeutic massage and WOW — it was wonderful! I had so many sore spots, knots in my body! That means a pretty painful but it feels so good type of massage. I will certainly find my way back. I really need this type of health maintenance. Especially now.

Stepping out into the receptionist area I am told that my car’s rear tire behind the driver is very low. It is very low so I took it to Les Scwaab for air and then drove it over to Commercial Tire as that is where the tires were purchased.. It was a damaged valve stem. Great. The valve stem was replaced. No Charge

Well, I think tomorrow morning I will take myself to Farmer’s Market here in Nampa. This will be my second visit there without Rudy.  Hopefully this time it will be a little less traumatic for me. About three weeks ago or so, my neighbor and I went to have dinner at The House of Kim. She had Chinese and I had Thai. Before going in to sit we were walking about Downtown Nampa checking out the Chili stations. One of those stations was being hosted by a vendor usually found at the Farmers Market. She mentioned seeing me at the Market without Rudy and asked if she had read correctly as she thought she’d seen Raul’s Obituary in the Newspaper. See, Rudy got to know these vendors before I did. He made friends with everybody.There is one vendor there who sells fruit — he is Romainian and we bought our honey from him. Last time I went to The Market I avoided his post. I didn’t want to have to tell him and there were too many people around. But I know that he loved Rudy as the last time he saw Rudy Rudy was using a walker and the man almost cried with him. Rudy was happy to be able to walk about but the man was sad to see him thus.

Anyhow, I’ve never taken prescirbed meds for sleeping before now. When I’ve needed an aid I’d take some in herbal form. This time I need more than herbs — the herbs do well to relax me and I do fall asleep but they don’t keep me asleep. I wake up after a couple of hours and am wide awake. Then I fall asleep for another hour hours later. I’ve been doing this since Rudy died.  I was advised to start off with half a pill — let’s see how they help me get some needed REM.

..it was and it was not..

the revised Death Certificate.. I’ll tell you about it in a little bit. Let me continue with the ‘original’ Death Certificate.

Rudy Raul -- gifted to me by the Wildland Firefighters Foundation in Boise, Idaho. It hangs around my neck at all times except when in the bathtub.

The Advocate at the hospital understood my concern regarding the Death Certificate as well as the information in regard to the billing. Well, if the proper diagnostic coding was not added to the bill the hospital was not going to get paid. And I, sure as my name is Ema, because Raul’s death was related to the traumatic brain injury that he suffered during the course of his work on August 20, 1998 == I will not pay that bill. So, fine — the Advocate was happy to get things in order, to advise all departments concerned in regard to the billing as well as contacting the MD responsible for the Death Certificate. This all took place on April 11.

The Death Certificate was ready for me to pick up last week. Do the math.

I went to Zeyer’s Funeral Home to pick up the revised Certificate.. P and I were sitting there talking… then she started reading the certificate, “Oh, oh —- I don’t know if this is going to work.” I picked mine up and read it. And I read it. And I read it. Each time I re-read it I got angrier and angrier… there were errors. At least 4 errors this time. Careless errors that had to do with timing … aaaaaaaghh! “I am going to go home and change and then head straight to that hospital to speak to the Administrator”, I told P. She said, “Ema, you’re stronger now. Go get ‘em. You don’t need to change, just get out some gloves”.

I went home to change — then decided not to make a complete change over because in the process I would calm down.. I didn’t want to go after I was all calmed down. I wanted to get there while I was good and angry. And I did.

T from HR found me looking for the CEO’s office. The Administrator was not in that day. He talked to me to see what it was that I needed and walked with me to Medical Records where we were advised as to which person was in charge of the Death Certificates. She was gone for the day. T told me that he would advise the CEO the next morning as to what was going on with this. I was to call W who was in charge of the DCs and then to give him a call. By this time I was in tears and they had all witnessed my anger. I took one of the programs that we used at Rudy’s Memorial — the one that has a picture of him on the front and a picture that had been taken this past February of he and I and another of he and his son. I wanted them to see that it was a person that had lived that we were talking about to put a face to that Death Certificate.

All those that I spoke to that afternoon were very apologetic. They didn’t look at me as if I were a crazy woman. I could feel their compassion.

When T from HR had just found me looking for the CEO, he wanted to guide me to the Advocate… oh no…I refused to speak to the Advocate again as the last time I had to make multiple calls, send multiple emails and then finally had to go though the Hospital Administrator to finally get them to call Vital Statistics to get the changes going.

Maybe this is the first Death Certificate that they’ve had to change. I don’t know. Maybe people don’t read them or think that because they are ‘written’ that they are now set in stone. I don’t know. What I do know is that it took about 3 months to get the first DC revised… and then it, too, was riddled with errors. Maybe just typos — big typos.. but incorrect, all the same.

Late the following morning I called the person whose number I was given and left a message on her answering machine. Then I called Vital Statistics –just to check to see if these might just possibly be typographical errors. She couldn’t confirm that they were. I needed to contact the Coroner. Oh no.

While I was talking to VS my cell phone rang and it was the person whom I had left a message for. I called her back. She was very, very nice, very understanding and very apologetic. She understood me–understood what this made me go through each time I had to make a call. She knew. She’d lost her husband to death not too long ago. She understood. She asked me to make one call to the Coroner and when she felt my dread at doing so, she took the job back and told me she’d call. She would make all the calls that needed to be made — she was going to take care of it for me. Ahhh, an angel.

I will just wait and hope that it is done expeditiously and without one single error this time.

That all started last Wednesday. Having to replay everything to them all over again just hit me. That evening I was just so drained.  So hurt. It dug at wounds that had been working at healing — it just split them wide open … again. The days that followed have been tearful and heartwrenching. Sad. Funny how things like that cause so much fatigue. It does something to ones whole body. The entire body. It’s like each part of you feels that something is wrong and lets out an alert. I wish it would stop. My body hurts. Like my heart hurts, so does my body.

Tomorrow I see my Chiropractor. Maybe she will be able to give me some answers, some help. Talking about body pains — even my teeth started hurting! About 6 weeks ago I had to see my dentist because my teeth just started paining me! Come to find that I was unconsciously grinding my teeth (due to the stresses of the loss of the Love of My Life).Sure enough, I wore that mouth guard he gave me and the pain went away. But when I came back to have my teeth cleaned it was decided that I really should have that crown put in on one molar filling that Dr. Keller had been watching for quite a while. So, early Tuesday morning I will have a new golden crown.

Oh, by the way — gold has gone up to almost 950 dollars an ounce! But I won’t linger on the ‘gold’ topic..

Time to try to get some sleep.