Having lost my husband this past March and having experienced first hand much of what the article below touches in regard to grief and the death of a loved one, I feel it is important to share this information with others. I believe that most people want to know, want to try to understand grief and the grieving and how to approach or help someone during their journey into and through grief. Ema
Understanding Grief
Seven things you need to know about grief
by Georgia Shaffer
“My friend is stuck in grief. What can I do to help?”
Because this is a question I often hear, I’ve learned to ask, “What do you mean, your friend is stuck in grief?”
Usually they say something like, “Well, her husband died about 14 months ago, and she’s still very depressed. Isn’t it about time she moves forward with her life?”
Unfortunately, the problem isn’t that she is stuck in grief. The issue is her friends don’t realize how long it can take to heal and rebuild after a heart-wrenching loss. As a psychologist and someone who has experienced deep sorrow, I’ve seen far too many people hurt by well-meaning friends, family or co-workers who want to help, but honestly don’t understand the pain of loss.
Here are seven truths to remember about grief:
Six to 18 months after loss is the most difficult time.
During this time period, loved ones typically are no longer actively reaching out to the hurting person, but it’s also a stage when the numbness begins to disappear and reality sinks in: Life has forever changed. While you may think that one year after a death or divorce is plenty of time to grieve, the reality is those who hurt may feel worse.
Grief is not a time to produce, achieve or accomplish.
When something or someone we cherish vanishes from our lives, we soon discover that the most routine tasks become extremely difficult. This is because our mental, emotional and physical resources are severely depleted.
Yet too many people are given the misinformation that Brooke received after the death of her younger brother. “Friends told me to keep myself busy,” Brook says. “That time has a way of healing these things.” She tried to keep up with her hectic schedule, but two years later she found herself close to a breakdown.
Although routines can be comforting, busyness does not give someone the time to rebuild his or her depleted resources. Help your loved one carve out the time and space necessary to process, rest and renew.
God gives comfort — not a painkiller.
In comparing our society today to the previous century, Eugene Peterson, author of The Message wrote, “The main difference is not how much people are hurting but how much they expect to be relieved from their hurting.” As soon as we feel any kind of discomfort, we look for some way to get rid of it. And when someone we love is suffering, we work hard to fix the problem or find a painkiller. But as Sallie said after she lost her teenage son, “There’s nothing that can soothe my pain. Only the Lord can give me comfort.”
We cannot compare losses.
Many people are like my friend Heather who played the comparison game every time she confronted a loss. She took whatever pain she was experiencing — be it the death of a dream or the death of a friend — and compared it to someone else’s pain. Because she could always find someone with a loss more tragic than hers, she never allowed herself to grieve.
Help your loved one accept his or her feelings of sadness. Say something like, “There’s nothing wrong with you. Your pain is your pain. It’s OK to feel it.”
Anger, as well as deep sadness, is part of grief.
Anger is a common reaction to loss. After the loss of my health and job, I expected deep sadness. But what really surprised me was the seething rage. “How dare they take away my job because I’m too ill to work!” I fumed. “I didn’t plan on having a bone marrow transplant. Where’s their compassion?”
How can you help someone who’s mad at God — and everyone else — about what has happened to them? Rather than dismiss her anger, acknowledge it with a sincere comment such as, “I’d be angry, too, if that happened to me!” This assures her you realize how difficult this loss is.
We grieve differently.
We’re often surprised to discover that people experience grief in different ways. Jennifer Sands, whose husband died during the terrorist attack on 9/11 said, “Grieving is as individual as a fingerprint.”
Some of us prefer time by ourselves with an occasional visitor. Others want a steady stream of company and lots of phone calls.
In order to help rather than hinder, think about the personality of the person you want to support. It just might make the difference between hurting or healing.
Grief lasts longer than we expect.
In our culture, we rarely talk about how long it takes to heal after a difficult loss. Elizabeth Palazzi, a psychologist in Pennsylvania, says, “Grieving takes longer than anybody ever has the patience for.”
One reason grief lasts so long is that emotional setbacks are part of the process. One afternoon, my friend Janet dashed into the mall for a quick trip to her favorite cosmetic counter. As she passed the counter of men’s fragrances she caught a whiff of her husband’s cologne. She froze for a moment and then left the store sobbing. Her husband died three years earlier, but it only took one smell and a split second to throw her back into the grip of grief.
Sights, sounds and smells trigger emotional setbacks. These are to be expected.
It often takes two to five years before someone is able to rebuild his or her life. If you find yourself getting impatient and you’re tempted to say, “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?” say something comforting like, “I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, but please know I care.” And if you are the person who has suffered a loss, let this be a comfort to you. Give yourself time and grace as you move through this difficult season.
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