my brother

Funeral Services for Armando Bermudez

Tuesday, October 21, 2008
11:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m

Directions to Hermosa Gardens Cemetery

Mission Chapel
900 N. Meridian Avenue
Colton, CA  92324
(909) 254-4100 Office

From 10West bound
Exit Pepper Street. Turn right at exit. Heading North, go to San Bernardino Avenue.
Turn right and go 1 block. At that point you will see the walls of the cemetery. The
chapel is in the direct center of the cemetery, next to the offices.

From 10East Bound
Exit Pepper Street. Turn left at exit. Heading North, go to San Bernardino Avenue.
Turn right and go 1 block. At that point you will see the walls of the cemetery.
The chapel is in the direct center of the cemetery, next to the offices.

From the 215North Bound
Take the 215 North Bound to the 10 West Bound. From the interchange, go aprx.
3miles. Exit Pepper Street. Turn right at exit. Heading North, go to San Bernardino
Avenue. Turn right and go 1 block. At that point you will see the walls of the cemetery.
The chapel is in the direct center of the cemetery, next to the offices.

From the 215South Bound
Take the 215 South Bound to the 10 West Bound. From the interchange, go aprx. 3 miles.
Exit Pepper Street. Turn right at exit. Heading North, go to San Bernardino Avenue.
Turn right and go 1 block. At that point you will see the walls of the cemetery.
The chapel is in the direct center of the cemetery, next to the offices.


more sadness..

October 16, 2008 2:45am

My oldest brother died today. He suffered with congestive heart failure.

a little something about..

Having lost my husband this past March and having experienced first hand much of what the article below touches in regard to grief and the death of a loved one, I feel it is important to share this information with others. I believe that most people want to know, want to try to understand grief and the grieving and how to approach or help someone during their journey into and through grief.  Ema

Understanding Grief

Seven things you need to know about grief

by Georgia Shaffer

“My friend is stuck in grief. What can I do to help?”

Because this is a question I often hear, I’ve learned to ask, “What do you mean, your friend is stuck in grief?”

Usually they say something like, “Well, her husband died about 14 months ago, and she’s still very depressed. Isn’t it about time she moves forward with her life?”

Unfortunately, the problem isn’t that she is stuck in grief. The issue is her friends don’t realize how long it can take to heal and rebuild after a heart-wrenching loss. As a psychologist and someone who has experienced deep sorrow, I’ve seen far too many people hurt by well-meaning friends, family or co-workers who want to help, but honestly don’t understand the pain of loss.

Here are seven truths to remember about grief:

Six to 18 months after loss is the most difficult time.

During this time period, loved ones typically are no longer actively reaching out to the hurting person, but it’s also a stage when the numbness begins to disappear and reality sinks in: Life has forever changed. While you may think that one year after a death or divorce is plenty of time to grieve, the reality is those who hurt may feel worse.

Grief is not a time to produce, achieve or accomplish.

When something or someone we cherish vanishes from our lives, we soon discover that the most routine tasks become extremely difficult. This is because our mental, emotional and physical resources are severely depleted.

Yet too many people are given the misinformation that Brooke received after the death of her younger brother. “Friends told me to keep myself busy,” Brook says. “That time has a way of healing these things.” She tried to keep up with her hectic schedule, but two years later she found herself close to a breakdown.

Although routines can be comforting, busyness does not give someone the time to rebuild his or her depleted resources. Help your loved one carve out the time and space necessary to process, rest and renew.

God gives comfort — not a painkiller.

In comparing our society today to the previous century, Eugene Peterson, author of The Message wrote, “The main difference is not how much people are hurting but how much they expect to be relieved from their hurting.” As soon as we feel any kind of discomfort, we look for some way to get rid of it. And when someone we love is suffering, we work hard to fix the problem or find a painkiller. But as Sallie said after she lost her teenage son, “There’s nothing that can soothe my pain. Only the Lord can give me comfort.”

We cannot compare losses.

Many people are like my friend Heather who played the comparison game every time she confronted a loss. She took whatever pain she was experiencing — be it the death of a dream or the death of a friend — and compared it to someone else’s pain. Because she could always find someone with a loss more tragic than hers, she never allowed herself to grieve.

Help your loved one accept his or her feelings of sadness. Say something like, “There’s nothing wrong with you. Your pain is your pain. It’s OK to feel it.”

Anger, as well as deep sadness, is part of grief.

Anger is a common reaction to loss. After the loss of my health and job, I expected deep sadness. But what really surprised me was the seething rage. “How dare they take away my job because I’m too ill to work!” I fumed. “I didn’t plan on having a bone marrow transplant. Where’s their compassion?”

How can you help someone who’s mad at God — and everyone else — about what has happened to them? Rather than dismiss her anger, acknowledge it with a sincere comment such as, “I’d be angry, too, if that happened to me!” This assures her you realize how difficult this loss is.

We grieve differently.

We’re often surprised to discover that people experience grief in different ways. Jennifer Sands, whose husband died during the terrorist attack on 9/11 said, “Grieving is as individual as a fingerprint.”

Some of us prefer time by ourselves with an occasional visitor. Others want a steady stream of company and lots of phone calls.

In order to help rather than hinder, think about the personality of the person you want to support. It just might make the difference between hurting or healing.

Grief lasts longer than we expect.

In our culture, we rarely talk about how long it takes to heal after a difficult loss. Elizabeth Palazzi, a psychologist in Pennsylvania, says, “Grieving takes longer than anybody ever has the patience for.”

One reason grief lasts so long is that emotional setbacks are part of the process. One afternoon, my friend Janet dashed into the mall for a quick trip to her favorite cosmetic counter. As she passed the counter of men’s fragrances she caught a whiff of her husband’s cologne. She froze for a moment and then left the store sobbing. Her husband died three years earlier, but it only took one smell and a split second to throw her back into the grip of grief.

Sights, sounds and smells trigger emotional setbacks. These are to be expected.

It often takes two to five years before someone is able to rebuild his or her life. If you find yourself getting impatient and you’re tempted to say, “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?” say something comforting like, “I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through, but please know I care.” And if you are the person who has suffered a loss, let this be a comfort to you. Give yourself time and grace as you move through this difficult season.

Posted with the written permission of the author.
Georgia Shaffer, author of A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss, is a licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania.

life after death..

. . . . . but how could that be?

Happy Valentines Day, from Rudy to Ema

Rudy + Ema, by Emily February 2008

Today, September 10, complete six months of living on my own, without Rudy Raul. He has been gone for six long months. Six long months.

Although feeling that one will die, one does not die (immediately) after losing the love of her life.  I am living.

Ema liveth. She breathes and her heart beats… she sighs, her heart is broken.

She smiles, there is sadness underneath. She laughs even as her heart knows inexplicable sorrow. Inexplicable pain.

Despite the pain, despite the agony of tragic separation, she lives. A semblance of her old self appears. But she is not the same. She will never be the same.  Death has come to her home.

Life has changed. Death has changed her. Life has changed her. Yet she lives.

Happy Valentines Day, from Rudy to Ema

Thank you God for your many benefits...

The death and absence of her beloved husband has changed who she is, is changing who you knew. She notes that some changes have come quickly.

She has been widowed. She is no longer a wife. She no longer has her husband. No longer a couple. Her identity has been stolen from her.

An empty chair, an empty bed, an empty car, an empty house. Changes.More changes she realizes, await her.

She is back in her garden. She is once again discovering new lessons and finds healing as she tends to that recently overgrown and neglected length of soil and plants.

Happy Valentines Day, to my Wife with love

She has almost completely restored their garden to the restful and inviting refuge that she has known it to be…

albeit without the love of her life.

Her garden is bringing her memories.  Reminding her of times past.. revives memories of yesterday… of Summers past, of Autumns past. Reminds her of the coming harvest..the picking and canning and freezing.

Of happier days.

Sweet, beautiful, happier times.

from my garden to my kitchen — a memorable event

is my first home cooked meal since February.

Fruit from my Garden

Fruit from my Garden

I had just gone out to our vegetable garden… the one I have neglected after all the plants were in. I had found no joy in that garden — just memories of the past years of gardening with the love of my life, Rudy.  The garden, though I loved and wanted my own garden before I married Rudy, this was really the first garden of my own — of our own, that I have had the pleasure of planting and caring for.  That is another story so I will continue… I’d gone out to check on the squash, yellow crookneck and zucchini as I wanted to put something in the basket that I hang over the fence for my neighbor K. There were a couple of crooknecks and a cucumber. There was also tomato and a a handful of tomatillos and a mix of lettuce greens. I gathered these and placed them in her basket.

to be continued tomorrow…

I went back and gathered a few more tomatoes and then I went over to my basil. The basil I planted in a pot this year so as to try to keep it year round by bringing it indoors or on the patio in the winter. Away from the winter snow. The basil is doing beautifully. Basil is so fragrant. I love basil.

missing Rudy Raul . . .and our Anniversary

gosh, I wish Rudy Raul was home — in this home. Our home. I miss his presence.. miss him just being next to me. Miss him at Dinner, at Lunch and at Breakfast. I miss sitting next to him while watching a movie.. miss laying on the bed with my head in his lap as we watch a good movie..

I miss the sound of his footstep on the hardwood floors. I miss holding his hand. we always held hands or I’d hold onto the crook of his arm. I miss sitting with him, next to him in church, anywhere. we always sat close together. He was strong and and I loved leaning on him.

Death is terrible. It has robbed me of this closeness that we shared.

Robs me of his laughter, his silly jokes, his smiles.

Even his gentle chidings I miss. You haven’t done this, you haven’t done that… (smile) I miss those times… sometimes I’d get mad at him for reminding me! but I needed his reminders.. (smile).

I miss helping Rudy into the big jetted tub he loved..  He loved being clean and I loved that about him. Miss the sound of the running water while he shaved.. miss the softness and smoothness of his cheek after he shaved. I miss the clean scent of his cologne. I miss helping him comb his hair. Rudy had beautiful hair. healthy.

Raul and Ema  September 24, 1994

Raul and Ema September 24, 1994

I miss his little messes.. funny, I miss the little messes. His little messes have been replaced with my big messes. paper messes. forms and more forms… I would rather have Rudy’s little messes. Rudy was neat, clean and orderly.

I miss watching as he polished his shoes, as he set out his clothes, selected a watch. aaah, I miss him setting my watches, his placing one on my wrist.

what memories.. I miss all that was Rudy here on earth ..


I’ve been thinking about the upcoming Holidays — holidays that will be spent by myself, without Rudy… Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years…my Birthday

I am dreading these days. Rudy will not be here– no matter where I may be on those days. Right now I would be happy just sleeping through those months. I think I’ll go hide in a closet with the lights out.

Raul and Ema November 1995
Raul and Ema  November 1995

Funny though… our Wedding Anniversary is coming up — September 24 — and this day I want to Celebrate and am thinking thinking as to how to celebrate it. Alone? with people who loved Rudy? home? out? It would have been 14 years of marriage..

Funny how some marriages last 75 years.. and ours didn’t make it to 15. What a shattered dream.

my garden, neglected, overgrown…

extremely sad looking garden. Not a garden to be proud of. Not a garden that shows tender loving care by it’s creator. Noooooo. I should take a photo and let you see my sad garden.

Raul and Buster, our then 3 month old Puginese, April 2001

Raul and Buster, our then 3 month old Puginese, April 2001

Today I took my body into our vegetable garden and began to cut back the larkspur that had all but taken over about one quarter of the area. The larkspur, pink, white lavender and purple was mostly now gone to seed and needed to be pulled. Some of the spikes were taller than I. When I pulled up on them the seed shook out all over, landing in my hair… a little water and I won’t need to wear a hat, ha.

While I worked out there in the garden, a garden which at one time brought me joy, I looked around at it, sad that it was not beautiful and filled with fruit. I decided this morning that I was going to work at getting the garden to thrive. Give it some love, some attention. Coax it into bearing more fruit for me.

I pulled clumps of grass, of weeds, lots of spurge, even tomato and tomatilla plants that had come up from last years seed. All this made a large heap of unwanted greenery and would be gathered together and tossed into the trash can on Monday.

I have to cut this short. I am getting drowsy.